My Life Has Fallen Apart, The Pieces Lay Before Me

•December 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I sit in bed at 1:25am laying next to Annie who I haven’t spoken to in the past 24 hours. It’s killing me. For the past two days we have gotten in little fights over the dumbest stuff. Parts of the fights were due to her, and other parts due to my dumbness.

I have tried to be strong to show her that I don’t like how things have been going, but I miss her badly. All day I sat and waited for her to show up, to text, to just get in touch. That was after she texted me a number of times this morning and I told her to stop. I am mad, but at the same time, I need her. I need her to comfort me and to love me right now. My life has fallen apart. My niece May, passed away 3 weeks ago yesterday. I think it is starting to really hit me that she is gone. My family is a mess, especially my sister and her husband. They cry off and on all day. They are depressed. They are also taking medication to sleep. They seem hopeless. While I want to be there for them and spend time with them each day, I can’t. I am supposed to be doing my finals right now, however, I have procrastinated. I just can’t think.

I miss her so much. I will write more about her when I can.

For right now though, I need my love back. I need her touch, her smile, her soft voice that makes my heart feel strong. She gives me confidence and makes me feel special. Her eyes are so beautiful and I find myself getting lost in them when I talk to her. She thinks about me all the time and does special things for me like buying me my favorite drink, Red Bull and sticks it in the fridge without saying anything. She wakes up from a deep sleep and the first words from her mouth are “I love you”. She is very special to me, and at points during the last few weeks, my main reason to not give up. I have felt like giving up and just falling apart. There are plenty of things I could do not to feel the pain. I could go waste my life for a couple months living in the street. I know nothing positive would come out of that, but I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of losing my little baby May. Annie loves me like May loved me. It was pure. Obviously Annie and I have a different type of relationship- but that love is something unique and special. I really need her right now.

I want to tell her I am sorry for being rude, and I am sorry for not saying “Good luck on your presentation”, or not doing something special for her on her name day. I am a bad boyfriend. It’s easy for me to think about the things I don’t do, or forget. I will make the extra effort to make sure I keep her number 1 and to make sure her needs are being met. I do love her with all my heart. I don’t know how it happened, but at some point during the last two years she stole my heart and hasn’t given it back.  

Well, I hope I can try to fix things with Annie soon. While maybe the best I can do right now is just be nice to her, and be near her. Inside I want her love and passion again in my life. I want to walk down the street holding her hand and kissing her underneath the snow flakes. We will see what happens tommorrow.dsc05649

 

May

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Therapist Thursday

•September 25, 2008 • 1 Comment

So I am sitting in my second class today and I am patiently waiting to get the heck out of this classroom. It’s 3:30 and I have been sitting in the same room since 11:15am.  Pretty rough, I know.  My current teacher is rambling about nonsence which is impossible to take notes on; let alone pay attention and follow along.  I am thinking past this class today- looking towards the future.  I am focused not on my 7-9:30 class, but rather the future-future.  What is going to change in my life in the next two years? Who is going to be there? Who is not going to be there? I know of a handful of people with whom I hope will never leave, however, someday they will.  It’s weird to think about your parents passing away, and leaving you alone in this world with which they brought you into.  How long will we be seperated? Will I actually meet up with you again? Will I be able to actually, physically see them again? Can I tell you about my life after you left? Will they already know about my children, my wife, my struggles and accomplishments? These are questions that I do not have answers for.  I don’t even know what my future holds.  Some days I feel confident of my path; the direction my life is traveling.  Other days I have no clue where I will be in 5 years.  I will worry about it tomorrow.

 

The window is open in the class I am sitting in.  The breeze keeps flowing into the room and hitting the side of my face.  (I am right next to the window)  I can smell the scents of food, exhaust (slight), and fall.  What does fall smell like? Fall is a great time of year.  It reminds me of cut grass, burning wood, and autum colors.  I day dreamed about wearing jeans and a sweater, being outside on a fall day, and walking through the grass.  The lines on the field are beginning to wear off from last weeks soccer games.  The leaves blow by my feet, continuing on in their journey to the wooded area along the edge of the field.  I thought in class today, will i get excited to go out this fall and to go for a walk as the leaves fall? Will I be excited around Halloween when the weather is cool, and kids are trick-or-treating? I think I will. I just want fall to be here.  I want the memories to flood my mind with my childhood, the carless days, and the early nights.

Rainy Saturday’s

•September 14, 2008 • 1 Comment

Good afternoon, good evening.  Today is Saturday September 13th, 2008.  I spent a good amount of time today watching “The Ultimate Fighter” season one.  Great show and my official introduction into the world of mixed martial arts.  I had rented previous UFC events from blockbuster, but my love affair really begun with this season.  

It’s been a rainy day outside; more specfically, it’s been raining for the past couple days.  I woke up this morning and found water underneath our bedroom window.  I used a dishtowel to dry to puddle and then ordered some Chinese food for lunch. The food sucked and the delivery guy was pissed that I didn’t respond to the door quickly when he buzzed.  Whatever. Screw him and the shitty food he brought.

Today looks like a unsuccessful day as far as homework goes.  I haven’t really completed anything and the day is over.  It’s time for me to eat dinner and either go out, or watch television for the evening.  Andriana is putting off her homework and wants to hang out.  Maybe we will venture out into the rain.  Cosby is being really cute right now and keeps cuddling and rolling around in my lap.  He had the runs earlier.  I hope his stomach feels better!

Rest In Peace Evan Tanner

•September 10, 2008 • 1 Comment

A good man was found dead yesterday in the desert in CA.  He was former middle weight champion, Evan Tanner.  Evan was a free spirit and lived life to the beat of his own drum.  The news was particularly upsetting for me since I had followed Evan’s blog and knew he was preparing to travel out into the desert.  He even posted a blog stating “I plan on going so far into the desert that failure of my equipment could mean death.”  Evan got lost on a hike, ran out of water, and apparently died of dehydration.  

On a lighter note, today I started my first day at my field placement at Mercy Home for Boys and Girls.  I have worked there for over a year now, however I am now working directly with the youth in one of the boys programs.  I work with boys from the ages of 14-16 who are mostly freshman and sophomores in high school with introverted behavior issues.  So far, I have hit it off with 4 of the 10 young men.  I believe I will get along great with all of them; however I did have some trepidation prior to starting. 

I was nervous walking into the building today because I was entering a unknown and unfamiliar spot at Mercy.  My heart was racing and I began to sweat a little as I entered the building.  The first 10 minutes or so were awkward, but after the day was over I had really gravitated to the staff.  They all seem very genuine and I am sure I will get along with most, if not all.  

I finally arrived to the apartment around 10:15 and was greeted by Annie who was working on a paper.  I told her all about my day and listened to hers also.  As I was getting ready for bed, I realized I had forgotten something in my car and needed to hike back outside to get it.  Annie is now passed out next to me in bed I should try to join her.  

Tomorrow I plan on getting up, doing some homework, and then heading back to my internship @ 2pm.  I’ll work until 10pm again.

 

I haven’t been doing the greatest job keeping up with my blog so I will renew my desire to blog everyday about my experiences.

So I have a problem….

•September 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

If you don’t know me, I am a huge UFC fan.

 I absolutely love the sport of mixed martial arts and hope to one day get my ass in shape and train in a discipline.  Till then, I watch and support the sport.  My worst habit is buying autographed posters from events.  I also get them on ebay, or from the UFC store.  Well, I have quite a collection going and I am finding it hard to stop.  These posters are going to be worth some serious dollars as the sport grows in popularity.  

I have more that you can’t see in those pictures.  I will actually take a bunch of good photos of them sometime soon.  I am also getting in the habit of selling the posters on ebay.  I try to find them at a good price, and then I sell them at a much higher price- making $$$.  My girlfriend won’t let me decorate the walls outside of this room so I am limited with space.  Well, I will write about my love for the UFC another time.  I have too much to say about that and its late- and I’m tired.  Till tomorrow!

Good night!

Frumpled Friday and Crazy Cosby

•September 5, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Good morning, good morning.  I first woke up at 7am this morning for some odd reason- and went out to smoke.  When i snuck back into bed- Cosby managed to get quite upset.  Apparently I wasn’t allowed to go back to sleep so quickly.  He jumped and played with any and everything he could get his hands on.  For the past couple days, we haven’t been running the air conditioner after learning my latest $224.00 electric bill wasn’t a mistake; rather the electric company had only estimated my first 2 $25.00 bills.  I wish they had only kept estimating for that was affordable!  The plan is to cut back and enjoy the cool weather outside.  Fall is coming! I really like fall. Leaves falling, breaking out the long sleeved clothing, and school.  

This was taken during the fall/winter in 2007 I believe.  It’s hard to remember but I do know it was taken when Andriana and I went out to the beach house for the weekend.  This is our favorite breakfast spot out there.

 

So back to today:  The plan is to take showers, get dressed, and then take Annie shopping on Michigan Ave.  She rarely buys herself clothes or anything as a matter of fact, so I am taking her to buy clothes.  Hopefully I don’t spend too much money- but I do want to spoil her with some new digs.  We will probably grab some breakfast downtown before shopping.

So- we are getting ready to go.  Tonight I will finish this post! Peace

Tuesday September 2nd 2008

•September 3, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Well today was not a very productive day.  It all started out with me waking around noon.  I must admit that this is currently my summer vacation- since last Friday.  It all ends tomorrow when I must fill my day with homework and preparing for my second “Thursday” of classes.  Thursday is my busiest day.  I have classes from 11am-9pm at night.  Next Tuesday is my first official day at my internship.  I am nervous because I will be working directly with the children in one of the programs.  Prior to this day I have spent my time in Admissions where I have grown very comfortable.  

 

 

Right now Andriana is mad at me for I forgot to send an important email for her.  She called me on her way to class and asked me to write her supervisor- which I forgot to do.   I honestly feel really bad because I totally meant to do it- but forgot.  I wish I had just did it right when I got off the phone with her.  Instead I was wrapped up in other things that were much less important.  Next time I won’t be so careless.

 

Andriana is asleep on the couch right now and we will probably be going for a run at some point in the next 2 hours.  I just cooked us a stirfry dinner and I am still starving.  It said on the label that it was meant for 2, however, I only ate a bowl of cereal earleir today and that’s not enough for this growing boy.

 

Our kitty cat Cosby is licking himself on the bed next to me.  I am glad he is so comfortable around me.  Weirdo…

 

Well, I am enjoying writing down my day. I will let you know how the run goes and if Andriana ever talks to me again 🙂

 

Peace.